bros before hoes

every now and then i think to myself, self, this blog is getting a little too gay. and since it's more likely i'll end up a high school teacher than a career blogger, blogging so dyke-ily is just kinda weird (and not fun and kitschy like it would be if i were paid to do this). to remedy this gross underrepresentation of dudes on new year new me, i give you five bros i'd get with:












shia labeouf- he was a fug little kid on "even stevens", but now little louis stevens is lookin fiiiiiiine. and lucky for us, hollywood folks keep putting him in movies in which he either pulls off his clothes or his clothes get noticeably torn. i even saw the embarrassingly bad "eagle eye" cause he was in it.








trey songz- while he was never fug like young shia, tremaine used to rock that omarion look and i just couldn't get into that... but now that he's got the money, cars, clothes, and a haircut, i suppose i could be trey's ho.













lil wayne- judge me now if you must, readers, but perhaps my favorite thing about weezy (aside from his blatant love for weed, 5 ft. dreadlocks, and fully tattooed body) is his blatant homophobia. i know, i know... dyke blog reveres homophobia, it's crazy... y'all thought lil wayne was weezy, but i'm here to tell you weezy is wayne.












james franco- i met you back when you were daniel desario, a hottie from day one. and if it's possible, you actually got better looking in the past ten years. i know i'm nothing like kimiko, being that i'm a human, not packed with pillow stuffing, and not a character from 30 Rock, but i could pretend... and then have a three-way with liz lemon?











shaun white- just cue this sucker up to 3:33, i'm sick of typing.

johnny takes on the world

i guess sofia is pretty persuasive, cause she somehow convinced me to liveblog the olympics for her no-tv, vegan, vermontian, kombucha-drinkin, hippie ass. forewarning: if johnny doesn't medal, imma be pissed.

paczki/Johnny Weir day

recently, while watching olympic men's figure skating with my pal zina, i discovered a new favorite personality dichotomy (the old favorite being the there are two kinds of people in the world: ones who will smoke a joint up until they can't hold it comfortably and ones who will smoke that sucker until their fingertips burn divide). after brian joubert ate shit during the men's short program, i got pretty impassioned about how horrible it would be to get to the olympics and then eff up. in contrast, zina got all excited about the prospect of just hanging out in the olympic village, and when i supplied her with the name "michael jordan" as an olympian (not sure why), she explained "i don't want to be michael jordan, i just wanna be fifteen feet from him." for most of us, the olympics aren't about dreaming of greatness or winning that gold medal... they're about feeling like you know weirdly athletic, quasi-famous people. luckily, these winter olympics have something for e'erybody. the powers that be know we can't all be lindsey vonn fans (cause she's lame as hell), so they gave us two beautiful boys: my new gay best friend and my first non-gay boyfriend...














johnny weir and shaun white make these cold february nights just a little bit warmer.















johnny is the best thing that has ever happened to figure skating. watch "pop star on ice" and let yourself drift towards johnny like a moth to the flame.















shaun is the most prolific snowboarder of all time. and before he went for his second run last night, the expletive-ridden conversation he had on live tv was awesome- "stomp the shit out of that thing," bro.

well-deserved, mr. mctwist 1260

and tonight's the night for you, baby boy... let's make some dreams come true

i'd only be more excited if they'd asked weezy

tonight i was informed that barack obama, the president of the united states, would be giving the commencement address at my graduation this may. upon hearing such insane news, i sent my first mass text ever...

(248): Raise your hand if barack motherfucking obama is giving the commencement address at your graduation. (raises hand).


now let's see what some of my 40 recipients - comprised of ex-stepmoms, bffs, acquaintances, and the like - are saying about my damned fool luck...

(248): I knew that. But are you going to be walking?

(248): U r too funny! :)

(734): Shut up! I am going love. :)

(248): I'm coming to watch.

(313): cock love

(906): Hate you

(734): What! I dont graduate till next year. Is it this year or the next ?
(734): Im confused

(313): What??? That is silly. Missed your phone call. I was at the show watching valentines day. I get out after midnight baby.

(616): raise your hand if you'll accept extra commencement tickets from your friends graduating fro U-M 2010 (raises hand)

(586): I know i heard- you mother fucker. So uh we really want to support you on your grad day. Get us tickets? Eh?!

(616): So i hear

jackie jormp-jomp

maggie is frank


judah is margaret

caitlin is pete

hornberger is me

milf island part 2

girl, your husband's a sex addict... come over here, imma cure that for you

an american institution

"mean girls" was, like, tina fey's satirical take on "she's all that" ("ten things i hate about you," "you drive me crazy," etc.), right? and we all know that, like, it's okay to enjoy "mean girls" cause - aside from her appearance - tina fey isn't really the rachel-leigh-cook-character kind of girl.


so, readers, just do me a solid and chew on this for a minute (then, if you'd like, you can gag me with a spoon):


"clueless" is a retroactively satirical "mean girls"

and dee and christian are totally the original janis and damien




try not to choke on that truth bone i just served up.

milf island

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why are you handcuffed to the bookshelf i built my hus-band?

while making copies in the faculty lounge at school this past week, i overheard one teacher telling a colleague about an almost-altercation with a female student in class... she rehashed the story step by step, and when she got to the part where the student stood up and started coming at the teacher, this educator/storyteller imitated her reaction to the student: "oh we are not going to do this right now" [starts removing hoop earrings].


in that moment, i realized that even though i didn't know this teacher at all, i immediately trusted her as a human being. and it wasn't until i re-watched the 30 Rock episode "kidney now!", in which jenna almost fights with some bitch on a faux-tyra banks talk show and starts pulling off her hoops, that i noticed when someone removes their earrings at the prospect of a fight, i feel like we really understand each other. this is probably why i love 30 Rock so much- as soon as i came to this realization, i remembered that sherri shepherd's character also tore some gold off her ears when she found liz lemon handcuffed to tracy's bookshelf in "dealbreakers talk show no. 0001":


in conclusion, i still love 30 Rock, i trust tina fey with my life, and i never want to stop working in mexicantown.