law and order: special homophobic unit

you know, i forgave you when you cast diane neal as both an svu rapist and an svu a.d.a. (casey novak):









and i took you back after you sent alex cabot into witness protection and then on to desk sexing with dudes "conviction":







shit, i even looked past when you let mariska hargitay get knocked up and cut those bangs (though ice t wasn't as understanding):


but i watched last night's shitshow episode, "PC" and imma be straight with you- i'll be damned if i let you treat me this way ever again, law and order: svu. you are like a drunk mother (not the funny kind [mrs. bing]) and i don't want anything to do with you. you were blacked-out drunk last night... do you even remember when:

1. babs duffy/kathy griffin was so "radical," yet filled to the brim with straight-shame?
2. olivia went gay for detective's pay and pretended to be a dyke? or when she changed into a leather jacket and put on a pink triangle button (not kidding) in order to scare a homophobic murderer into confessing?
3. gay olivia grabbed the aforementioned murder suspect's crotch?
3. you wrote the line, "if i were you, i'd stay outside"?

cause i sure as hell do, mom.


i'm sick of making excuses for your behavior. that was the last time i let you call me fat and throw an empty bottle at my head. tomorrow night, when you fall asleep holding a lit cigarette, i ain't puttin it out. have fun getting cancelled.

johnny takes on the world

i guess sofia is pretty persuasive, cause she somehow convinced me to liveblog the olympics for her no-tv, vegan, vermontian, kombucha-drinkin, hippie ass. forewarning: if johnny doesn't medal, imma be pissed.

paczki/Johnny Weir day

recently, while watching olympic men's figure skating with my pal zina, i discovered a new favorite personality dichotomy (the old favorite being the there are two kinds of people in the world: ones who will smoke a joint up until they can't hold it comfortably and ones who will smoke that sucker until their fingertips burn divide). after brian joubert ate shit during the men's short program, i got pretty impassioned about how horrible it would be to get to the olympics and then eff up. in contrast, zina got all excited about the prospect of just hanging out in the olympic village, and when i supplied her with the name "michael jordan" as an olympian (not sure why), she explained "i don't want to be michael jordan, i just wanna be fifteen feet from him." for most of us, the olympics aren't about dreaming of greatness or winning that gold medal... they're about feeling like you know weirdly athletic, quasi-famous people. luckily, these winter olympics have something for e'erybody. the powers that be know we can't all be lindsey vonn fans (cause she's lame as hell), so they gave us two beautiful boys: my new gay best friend and my first non-gay boyfriend...














johnny weir and shaun white make these cold february nights just a little bit warmer.















johnny is the best thing that has ever happened to figure skating. watch "pop star on ice" and let yourself drift towards johnny like a moth to the flame.















shaun is the most prolific snowboarder of all time. and before he went for his second run last night, the expletive-ridden conversation he had on live tv was awesome- "stomp the shit out of that thing," bro.

well-deserved, mr. mctwist 1260

and tonight's the night for you, baby boy... let's make some dreams come true

why are you handcuffed to the bookshelf i built my hus-band?

while making copies in the faculty lounge at school this past week, i overheard one teacher telling a colleague about an almost-altercation with a female student in class... she rehashed the story step by step, and when she got to the part where the student stood up and started coming at the teacher, this educator/storyteller imitated her reaction to the student: "oh we are not going to do this right now" [starts removing hoop earrings].


in that moment, i realized that even though i didn't know this teacher at all, i immediately trusted her as a human being. and it wasn't until i re-watched the 30 Rock episode "kidney now!", in which jenna almost fights with some bitch on a faux-tyra banks talk show and starts pulling off her hoops, that i noticed when someone removes their earrings at the prospect of a fight, i feel like we really understand each other. this is probably why i love 30 Rock so much- as soon as i came to this realization, i remembered that sherri shepherd's character also tore some gold off her ears when she found liz lemon handcuffed to tracy's bookshelf in "dealbreakers talk show no. 0001":


in conclusion, i still love 30 Rock, i trust tina fey with my life, and i never want to stop working in mexicantown.

something to believe in

in these turbulent times, when a daily bloggin' girl can get so busy she doesn't touch a computer for 2 1/2 days, the world needs something steady to hold onto. and during dangerous days like these, when five old timers can change the course of american politics by watching a hillary clinton movie, us folks gotta make sure somebody's got our backs... luckily, just when i needed them, the fugly mugs of the '96-'98 detroit red wings showed up - fists flailing - and improved my outlook on life tenfold.


it's probably safe to assume that the majority of my readers were NOT all losery little pre-teen dykes tomboys during the scotty bowman days, so imma catch you up...

claude lemieux, of the colorado avalanche, acts like a little bitch and takes a cheap shot on red wing kris draper during the western conference finals of the 1996 stanley cup (the hit is right around the 1:12 mark):


he totally fucks up draper's face, and we don't see our buddy kris again for almost a year... meanwhile, the avalanche take the western conference and go on to win the stanley cup:


the wings and avalanche meet up several times during the 1996-1997 season, but bitch-ass lemieux doesn't dress for any of the games until the fated fight night at the joe. the '97 wings-avalanche brawl is everything hockey, and my life, should be:


so tonight, re-watching these videos, i found myself back in that cloud-themed, baby blue bedroom in which i spent countless nights secretly watching red wings games on my black-and-white television... i love everything about the footage, from mccarty's turtle-making beating on down; but when mike vernon (over whose sudden placement as first string goalie above chris osgood caused me some sleepless nights) landed that left hook on patrick roy and then fell on top of that french canadian bitch, my 9-year-old self knew that my hockey team, and my life, were gonna be just fine.

you take your reward, lemon. you take your reward

i can't believe i'm going to say this, tina fey, but after re-watching your 30 Rock episode "black light attack!" tonight, i finally understand why people think you're hot... and it's freaking me the fuck out.


i used to see pictures of you all pose-y and think to myself what are you doing, girl? 'hot' is not your game, and it makes me sad that when you're rewarded for being funny you go all sad-funny-girl-posing-in-her-mirror-looking-kinda-fugly-but-hoping-she's-britney-spears in magazines. but then all of a sudden i realized that the perfectly awkward liz lemon is the self-deprecating creation of tina fey. i'm sure girlfriend has had her fair share of britney wannabe haircuts, and she remembers them all. plus, she's just self-loathing/strangely arrogant enough to decide that she should share these weaknesses with america before america spots these weaknesses in her... which makes her officially a dreamboat.


she's weird in a good way- like going to the gym drunk. maybe this change in my percpetion has something to do with her pushing 40...

those shoes are definitely bi-curious

just when i thought i could distract myself from the boob tube long enough to write a non-tv post, my long-awaited roku player for netflix showed up and was all "hey, you can watch a shitload of movies and tv series on your television INSTANTLY!"... and because thursday nights leave me with an itch only 30 Rock can scratch, and the roku box was ready to go an hour before tina fey was, i decided i'd watch my fave 30 Rock episode: "blind date."

and what a great fucking idea that was. "why?" you ask. gretchen thomas, the brilliant plastics engineer slash lesbian.


she's foxy, funny, and kinda awkward. as if i needed another reason to watch 30 Rock reruns...


i realize that with this post, my blog now takes a decidedly gay bent, but with stephanie march alive and at large, how could it not? that woman's runnin around new york city breakin all kinds of hearts. and since she was noticeably absent from my favorite cop drama last night, and liz lemon insists she and gretchen are "just friends like oprah and gayle," it's totally cool for me to blog-hit-on s. march. now she's just gotta drop that steadman flay.

"i want you to jump my shark"

while my secret loofah usage may seem a rather embarrassing action to make public, it pales in comparison to the shame i should feel about my writing of my love for law and order: svu. yet here i am, embarking upon my first (and certainly not last) svu post on "new year new me"- per an agreement with my buddy liz, i will not devote more than one blog per week to the hotties civil servants of the 1-6... and it pains me that on this maiden voyage we must travel through shark-infested waters.

when i found out that butterface and unconvincing biatch and were getting out of nyc and bobby flay's way-too-hot wife was heading back to special victims, i knew the big guy in the sky was looking out for me... and even though wednesday nights at 9pm conflicts with my new fave, abc's "modern family," i decided to make the necessary sacrifices. but when tonight's crazyfest of an episode showed me olivia benson gettin kinky with a little british dude, and somehow managed to make it just as appalling as the rest of nbc's 9-10pm timeslot, i had the sudden feeling that that big guy i thought was looking out for me was playing a terrible joke on one of his lost sheep. olivia's "i want you to lick my boot" might as well have occurred on water skis.


let's get serious: boot lickin and guest stars aren't going to save this show, particularly when the "star" is some guy from lost who no one fucking knows... something has to change now, before it's too late. and if tonight's notable quotables are any measure for how many svu episodes are left in the law and order franchise, i'm considering praying to another big guy i know for a chance at a twelfth season. some personal faves:

"mr. milk toast is not so vanilla" (are "milk" and "toast" insults? olivia said it with disdain, but i'm not following)
"look lady, i just iced two cops for you" (spoken by the undercover cop killah himself, ice t)
"i know, i wish they [the handcuffs] were diamond encrusted, but the bedazzler went AWOL" (bedazzler's are for fake gemstones. nobody bedazzles with diamonds, elliot. besides, you can't bedazzle metal.)
and 2nd only to boot licking, "screw the pooch and i'll let the crap roll downhill" (?)

if anyone at nbc is out there reading this, cut the boat engine and free the sharks, cause imma solve all your ratings problems for you right here- us viewers can suspend our disbelief for an hour of highly implausible cop drama when you give us some of this:


okay? aay!

elliott stabler is a loose cannon...

... and his nonsensical rage is as ridiculous as kaplan pretending uncle phil is a professor:


i love a sexless, deep-voiced, sweatered, online professor as much as the next gal, but i'm conflicted about the message kaplan is sending me with their minute-long commercial: do they think i'm stupid enough to believe phillip banks is really a professor? are they flattering me by using a known actor to portray a professor, suggesting i'm a discerning enough reader to see through any unknown actor/fake professor they could throw at me (commercials are for actors, not professors.... and i'd scoff at anyone less accomplished than james avery)? my best guess: kaplan's online university is hoping to reach those folks who watch three hours of daytime "fresh prince" reruns, and they're merely using the big guy as bait.

when i perused the internets for some explanation as to why kaplan would choose the banks family patriarch as their faux professor, and looked over the commercial's youtube comments, i found the fourteen commenters were equally conflicted. While one unPHILmiliar viewer's interest was sparked by the commercial's professor ("This Commercial is soooooo true its time for a change. That goes for all schools in america we deserve better. Its Our Time"), others were preoccupied with the fresh prince flashback ("he is a really good actor. really legit.")... and, of course, MistaFukU takes a third stance altogether: ""invest" in a kraplan diploma, and YOU just bought a VERY expensive piece of toilet paper!!! the place is a ***racist ass shit hole!!!***"

i wonder what aunt viv thinks about all of this...


to be fair, though, she thought we wouldn't notice her own obvious deception. i bet she's on kaplan's side (whatever side that is).