bros before hoes

every now and then i think to myself, self, this blog is getting a little too gay. and since it's more likely i'll end up a high school teacher than a career blogger, blogging so dyke-ily is just kinda weird (and not fun and kitschy like it would be if i were paid to do this). to remedy this gross underrepresentation of dudes on new year new me, i give you five bros i'd get with:












shia labeouf- he was a fug little kid on "even stevens", but now little louis stevens is lookin fiiiiiiine. and lucky for us, hollywood folks keep putting him in movies in which he either pulls off his clothes or his clothes get noticeably torn. i even saw the embarrassingly bad "eagle eye" cause he was in it.








trey songz- while he was never fug like young shia, tremaine used to rock that omarion look and i just couldn't get into that... but now that he's got the money, cars, clothes, and a haircut, i suppose i could be trey's ho.













lil wayne- judge me now if you must, readers, but perhaps my favorite thing about weezy (aside from his blatant love for weed, 5 ft. dreadlocks, and fully tattooed body) is his blatant homophobia. i know, i know... dyke blog reveres homophobia, it's crazy... y'all thought lil wayne was weezy, but i'm here to tell you weezy is wayne.












james franco- i met you back when you were daniel desario, a hottie from day one. and if it's possible, you actually got better looking in the past ten years. i know i'm nothing like kimiko, being that i'm a human, not packed with pillow stuffing, and not a character from 30 Rock, but i could pretend... and then have a three-way with liz lemon?











shaun white- just cue this sucker up to 3:33, i'm sick of typing.

you take your reward, lemon. you take your reward

i can't believe i'm going to say this, tina fey, but after re-watching your 30 Rock episode "black light attack!" tonight, i finally understand why people think you're hot... and it's freaking me the fuck out.


i used to see pictures of you all pose-y and think to myself what are you doing, girl? 'hot' is not your game, and it makes me sad that when you're rewarded for being funny you go all sad-funny-girl-posing-in-her-mirror-looking-kinda-fugly-but-hoping-she's-britney-spears in magazines. but then all of a sudden i realized that the perfectly awkward liz lemon is the self-deprecating creation of tina fey. i'm sure girlfriend has had her fair share of britney wannabe haircuts, and she remembers them all. plus, she's just self-loathing/strangely arrogant enough to decide that she should share these weaknesses with america before america spots these weaknesses in her... which makes her officially a dreamboat.


she's weird in a good way- like going to the gym drunk. maybe this change in my percpetion has something to do with her pushing 40...

"i want you to jump my shark"

while my secret loofah usage may seem a rather embarrassing action to make public, it pales in comparison to the shame i should feel about my writing of my love for law and order: svu. yet here i am, embarking upon my first (and certainly not last) svu post on "new year new me"- per an agreement with my buddy liz, i will not devote more than one blog per week to the hotties civil servants of the 1-6... and it pains me that on this maiden voyage we must travel through shark-infested waters.

when i found out that butterface and unconvincing biatch and were getting out of nyc and bobby flay's way-too-hot wife was heading back to special victims, i knew the big guy in the sky was looking out for me... and even though wednesday nights at 9pm conflicts with my new fave, abc's "modern family," i decided to make the necessary sacrifices. but when tonight's crazyfest of an episode showed me olivia benson gettin kinky with a little british dude, and somehow managed to make it just as appalling as the rest of nbc's 9-10pm timeslot, i had the sudden feeling that that big guy i thought was looking out for me was playing a terrible joke on one of his lost sheep. olivia's "i want you to lick my boot" might as well have occurred on water skis.


let's get serious: boot lickin and guest stars aren't going to save this show, particularly when the "star" is some guy from lost who no one fucking knows... something has to change now, before it's too late. and if tonight's notable quotables are any measure for how many svu episodes are left in the law and order franchise, i'm considering praying to another big guy i know for a chance at a twelfth season. some personal faves:

"mr. milk toast is not so vanilla" (are "milk" and "toast" insults? olivia said it with disdain, but i'm not following)
"look lady, i just iced two cops for you" (spoken by the undercover cop killah himself, ice t)
"i know, i wish they [the handcuffs] were diamond encrusted, but the bedazzler went AWOL" (bedazzler's are for fake gemstones. nobody bedazzles with diamonds, elliot. besides, you can't bedazzle metal.)
and 2nd only to boot licking, "screw the pooch and i'll let the crap roll downhill" (?)

if anyone at nbc is out there reading this, cut the boat engine and free the sharks, cause imma solve all your ratings problems for you right here- us viewers can suspend our disbelief for an hour of highly implausible cop drama when you give us some of this:


okay? aay!

does that make me a perv?

i'm starting a blog so when i find myself in social situations i might manage to keep my fucking mouth shut every now and then. does that make me self-loathing? it probably makes me arrogant.

my "ideas" come and go and those that still work in the morning might get stuck here. would you use another person's loofah without asking? i've done it. i'm not proud, but it's happened a couple times... at what point do individual instances become a pattern, though? a serial habitual sometime surreptitious latherist. it makes total sense to use someone's loofah without asking, cause why ask? what response would one want from that question? and if i'm showering at a place with more than one resident, would it be weirder for the person whose loofah i asked to use or those others whose loofahs didn't make the cut? i pick loofahs based on both the owners' cleanliness and general smell (yes to oatmeals and shea butters, no to bright floral tones and hippies), and i wash in secret. does that make me a perv? cause i know there are people out there who won't wash with the loofah, but wipe their ass with it.