"i want you to jump my shark"

while my secret loofah usage may seem a rather embarrassing action to make public, it pales in comparison to the shame i should feel about my writing of my love for law and order: svu. yet here i am, embarking upon my first (and certainly not last) svu post on "new year new me"- per an agreement with my buddy liz, i will not devote more than one blog per week to the hotties civil servants of the 1-6... and it pains me that on this maiden voyage we must travel through shark-infested waters.

when i found out that butterface and unconvincing biatch and were getting out of nyc and bobby flay's way-too-hot wife was heading back to special victims, i knew the big guy in the sky was looking out for me... and even though wednesday nights at 9pm conflicts with my new fave, abc's "modern family," i decided to make the necessary sacrifices. but when tonight's crazyfest of an episode showed me olivia benson gettin kinky with a little british dude, and somehow managed to make it just as appalling as the rest of nbc's 9-10pm timeslot, i had the sudden feeling that that big guy i thought was looking out for me was playing a terrible joke on one of his lost sheep. olivia's "i want you to lick my boot" might as well have occurred on water skis.


let's get serious: boot lickin and guest stars aren't going to save this show, particularly when the "star" is some guy from lost who no one fucking knows... something has to change now, before it's too late. and if tonight's notable quotables are any measure for how many svu episodes are left in the law and order franchise, i'm considering praying to another big guy i know for a chance at a twelfth season. some personal faves:

"mr. milk toast is not so vanilla" (are "milk" and "toast" insults? olivia said it with disdain, but i'm not following)
"look lady, i just iced two cops for you" (spoken by the undercover cop killah himself, ice t)
"i know, i wish they [the handcuffs] were diamond encrusted, but the bedazzler went AWOL" (bedazzler's are for fake gemstones. nobody bedazzles with diamonds, elliot. besides, you can't bedazzle metal.)
and 2nd only to boot licking, "screw the pooch and i'll let the crap roll downhill" (?)

if anyone at nbc is out there reading this, cut the boat engine and free the sharks, cause imma solve all your ratings problems for you right here- us viewers can suspend our disbelief for an hour of highly implausible cop drama when you give us some of this:


okay? aay!